There are many ‘fine lines’ in life and here I present you with just one of the few which are related to T1d…
‘Where is the difference between good control and obsession…?’
Recently I have been feeling a bit bleurgh, there is no other word for it I’m afraid but I’m sure you know what I mean! I am entering a ‘transitional’ phase in my life and with the nights closing in and the cold wind blowing, there are many reasons for any one of us not to feel quite tip top at this time of year. I am working out my notice at work and this is proving challenging on many levels, I am also hideously aware that I still do not have anything new to go to when I do finally finish my current job. I am also quite possibly a reptile – I may be the coldest person on the planet and only ever really feel warm in a hot shower or on a beach. This means that this time of year can be particularly miserable especially coupled with getting up and leaving work in the dark.
All of the above are perfectly feasible reasons for my bleurgh feeling however, it has taken me until just yesterday to actually put my finger on the real source of the problem and that is that I have become slightly obsessed. (That was a really long winded way of getting us back to the first sentence of this post oops!)
Having spent most of my life veering towards the neglectful end of the spectrum when it has come to my diabtetes, I realise now that the pendulum has swung the other way and it has started to consume my every thought. Every moment of the day is spent thinking about it and checking that my sugars are in range. Everything I eat is analysed in minute detail and special occasions are being (not to sound dramatic) ruined by my somewhat anal approach.
It all became obvious to me when some friends were cooking us dinner this weekend. They had gone to great lengths to cook something fish based rather than meat so that I could eat it and grilled me on my favourite vegetables before the day to ensure it was going to be a suitable meal. Despite all of this, I managed to get myself super stressed about the meal and had to employ 3 family members to assist me in dodging the carbs that I had built up as being so bad in my head that I was never going to be able to eat (the salmon was covered in pastry and the kale drowned in a bechemel sauce!)
I can hear the proclamations of ridiculousness coming from many a t1d’s mouth at the above situation and I wholeheartedly agree with you all. I have banged on enough about diabetes not preventing me doing it eating what I want however I seem to have lost sight of this in my obsession with keeping that ‘perfect’ control which we all know doesn’t actually exist.
Now that I have identified this as my problem, I already feel a lot better about it and am working on getting back to a better place with my diabetes management. It is scary how the desire for perfect control and to be ‘star pupil’ can so easily cross that fine line and turn in to something slightly unhealthy.
I would be interested to hear anyone else’s opinions on the above and strategies for realigning their mindset, please do comment below with any tips!